Befriending a U.S. Pal

 

Friendship With Your American Host: A Guide For Foreign Students at U.S. Colleges and Universities - NAFSA: Association of International Educators

 

Welcome

It is outstanding that you are thinking about becoming involved with a community host. The rewards of this experience might be more than you are expecting! It took a lot of decisions for you to decide to study in the United States and we are glad with the choice you made. Practical reasons, such as improving your language skills, the academic quality of the programs, or a cross-cultural experience are part of why you came, but there are also more personal reasons, such as the excitement of travel, experiencing new customs, and meeting new people. Both the personal and practical reasons for your decision to study in another country can be enhanced by partnering with a host. There is more to education than lectures, textbooks, and term papers. Some of your most rewarding and informative experiences while in the United States will occur outside the classroom and library.

 

The United States Communities

The United States is a diverse country, with many different customs and traditions. In many communities in the United States, groups of citizens organize programs so that international students can meet Americans, visit in their homes, and learn about their communities. These citizens are volunteers- they are not paid for their services or their expenses. Their reward is the satisfaction of learning about other cultures and viewpoints. Often the friendships that develop between students and the Americans they meet last a lifetime and bridge the distance between countries and cultures.

Through the community partnership program, you will gain firsthand knowledge of how others live and how to better communicate within your community. This will strengthen your skills in the language and ability to move within the culture as a whole. Remember, employers are increasingly looking for those who can communicate cross-culturally and taking part in a program such as this will help you gain that global literacy. Beyond that, becoming involved in a community program can lead to a great deal of personal growth. As you get to know your host, you will be taking part in a community and there is no substitute for that experience. Many who take part in this program make friends who will last a lifetime and it is our hope you will become one of them.

  • There are many goals of a community hosting program. Some of the things you can expect from this program are:
  • Helping you get adjusted to the community. This can include tasks such as learning the local bus system, finding your way around town, opening a bank account, and locating good shopping. You can also become more adjusted through social activities, such as invitations to parties, festivals, and entertainment.
  • Sharing your culture. Your host will be interested in learning about your home country and life. While he or she will certainly understand that you are here for an experience in U.S. culture, you can expect that he or she will also want to learn from your culture.
  • Strengthening your cultural immersion. Becoming part of the community at large will deepen your experience studying in the United States as a whole. The United States is a diverse country made up of people from many different backgrounds. This is your time to explore that diversity and learn from not only your fellow students, but you host as well.
  • Providing firsthand knowledge of how others live. You will undoubtedly encounter a great diversity of people during your stay. This will include other students, teachers, friends you make at school, and individuals through the community host program.
  • Applying your knowledge. Learning another language in a classroom is great, but not sufficient to becoming competent. By interacting with your host, you will be able to learn how to use American English in a more meaningful way, leading to a greater command of the language and understanding of the culture.
  • Having Fun!

 

Common Values

Discovering features of other cultures is amazing! Here are some aspects of U.S. culture:

  • Individualism: Americans are encouraged at an early age to develop and pursue their own goals,. There is a higher value places on self-reliance than in many other countries where parents or families help with decision making and where being part of a group is more important.

  • Social relationships: While Americans may be open and friendly, it can take time to develop actual friendships. Give you host time to deepen his/her friendship with you. International students are often discouraged that making friends isn’t as easy as they thought it would be. However, making the effort will make all the difference in the satisfaction of your stay.

  • Achievement: In the United States, individuals’ status I s primarily based on what they have achieved on their own, including education and level of success in their employment. Many students’ cultures dictate that respect is given based on other factors such as age or title.

  • Privacy: The United States on the outside appears to be open and transparent with open homes and office doors. However, Americans enjoy time alone., Value private space, and are guarded with what they consider personal information. For example, they are reluctant to discuss family problems or why they do not have children, if they have none. Americans are also reversed about discussing financial matters and will avoid answering questions about their income or the cost of their possessions.

  • Informality: The U.S. lifestyle is generally quite casual, and this can be shocking to some students who are accustomed to a more formal structure. In the United States, people commonly use first names and dress casually, which international students may find surprising.

  • Identity: When people describe themselves, you will hear many answers based on factors such as being a family member, a member of a particular religious or ethnic group. A citizen of a certain country, or a holder of a professional title. Generally, Americans associate their identities with professional positions, which some international students perceive as of lesser importance.

  • Equality: Some international students are used to a hierarchical system or one where genders are treated differently. It is important to know that an underlying principle in the United States is that everyone is supposed to have equal opportunities and has the same rights as everyone else.

 

Friendship

Americans often indicate their interest in other by asking questions. Their questions to you indicate an eagerness to learn about your country and culture. Even the most basic information is of interest to them. You can:

  1. Share photographs from home
  2. Share a book from your country
  3. Explain your national holidays
  4. Give your host maps or postcards from your country
  5. Discuss events that are happening in your country
  6. Introduce your host to friends from your country
  7. Show the same interest in learning about your host as he/she does about you

 

Some Social Customs

Like all people, Americans have unique social customs. A few are discussed below, but it is impossible to list them all. By observing and asking questions, you can learn about others:

  • Time: Americans take pride in using their time wisely, which is why they tend to plan events in advance. Punctuality is valued in the United States and this can be a major culture; adjustment to many. You are expected to be ready at the time agreed upon if someone is picking you up at your residence. When invited to someone’s home, you are expected to arrive within five to 10 minutes after the scheduled time, but never before that time. When you plan to meet someone at a restaurant, theater, or some other place where reservations have been made, it is very important to arrive at the agreed time. Many Americans feel that arriving late for social events or appointments indicates a lack of respect for the person who is kept waiting.

  • Invitations: Americans make statements such as “You must come to see us” or “See you later.” This kind of friendly statement is not necessarily an invitation. An invitation specifies a time, date, and place. It is polite to respond to invitations with either a “yes” or “no.” A “yes” answer requires you to attend unless you call to cancel. You can always decline an invitation from your hosts; it is polite to say “no.” If you find you must cancel a meeting or a social engagement, inform your host as early as possible. It is considered impolite to accept an invitation and not go.

  • Introduction and Greeting: It is proper to shake hands with everyone to whom you are introduced, both men and women. An appropriate response to an introduction is “Pleased to meet you.” If you want to introduce yourself to someone, extend your hand for a handshake and say “Hello, I’m…” Some Americans greet each other with a hug if they are well acquainted. If you do not wish to be hugged, extend your hand quickly for a handshake. A typical response to “How are you?” is “Fine, thank you, and you?”

  • Titles: You may hear people introduced as “Mr.” or “Mrs.” or “Ms.” or “Miss.” Generally, the title “Mrs.” (pronounced “missuz”) means that the woman is currently married, and “Miss” means that the woman is not married. The title “Ms.” (pronounced “mizz”) is used only for women, and does not indicate anything about the marital status- the woman could be married or she could be single. The title “Mr.” similarly does not indicate whether the man is married or single.

  • Dining: The evening meal is the main meal of the day in most parts of the United States. This is a time for family members, including children, to be together and talk about topics of interest. Guests are not encouraged to join in these conversations. Guests usually wait until everyone at their table has been served before they begin to eat. Hands may be used to eat foods such as hamburgers, raw fruit, fried chicken, and sandwiches. It is all right to say, “No, thank you” when you are offered a second serving of food. Accept more food if you want it, however, as the off might not be repeated. Most Americans think it is impolite to insist that people have more food after they have refused a second serving.

  • Thank You: It is not necessary to bring a gift when you are invited to dinner. However, you may wish to present a small, inexpensive gift such as a bouquet of flowers to your hosts on special occasions or when staying overnight in their home. (A small item you brought from home can be a pleasant surprise to hosts.) At the conclusion of the visit, thank the host and hostess for their hospitality. A written thank you note or email sent a few days after your visit is always appreciated.

  • Goodbye: Dinner guest usually stay for an hour or two of conversation or other activity after the meal is finished. If your host is driving you home, he or she may suggest a time for leaving. In larger groups, it is not necessary to say goodbye to everyone before leaving. Smoking: Ask your host before smoking. If your host does not want you to smoke in the house, you may excuse yourself for a few minutes to go outside to smoke.

  • Pets: Many Americans have pets, especially dogs and cats that are often allowed in every room in their homes. If the presence of pets makes you uncomfortable, discuss the situation with your host. Your host will most likely be willing to accommodate your needs.

  • Helping With Household Tasks: In most families, men, women, and children share household duties. Many married women work outside the home and Americans rarely employ servants. You may want to assist or at least offer with the household tasks when you are present in a home, especially for an overnight or weekend visit.

  • Religion: Some Americans are quite involved in religious activities as an expression of their faith and as a social outlet. If you are invited to attend a religious event and don’t feel comfortable, it’s appropriate to decline. It is also acceptable to decline to discuss religious issues with your hosts.

 

What Not To Expect

Your host is here to provide you with a connection to the community, but there are many things with which they cannot assist you. These include:

  • Academic Advice: While your hosts may be interested in your studies and can offer some assistance, it is important to remember you should turn to your academic advisor, school tutor, or instructor for any real help with your studies.
  • Immigration Advice: Your host will be interested in helping you in many ways, but he/she is not properly trained to understand immigration regulations. Do not risk your immigration status through casual advice- instead go to your school’s international advisor to find answers to your questions.
  • Medical Advice: Go to your student health care center or a doctor when you need medical advice. Remember, it can be very expensive to get medical aid in the United States, so it is very important that you have current medical insurance at all times. Most schools offer medical insurance or work with companies to offer it to students.
  • Financial Advice: Your community host is not responsible for your financial well-being or for giving you advice on how to use your money. He or she can help you locate a bank or use an ATM, but other than that you should keep your money matters personal.
  • Employment Advice: There are many employment laws and regulations in the Unites States. For the majority of international students, employment off-campus during their studies is not an option. You may find yourself in a situation where you begin feeling like part of the family with your host, but keep in mind that activities such as watching another person’s children, or casual/informal work in exchange for goods can be seen as employment for immigration officials. Helping a friend is one thing, but an established exchange of work for an understood benefit or money is prohibited. If you need more information on how you can work or what type of work is acceptable while being a student, visit the international advisor at your school.

 

Remember…

Try to understand the similarities and differences between your culture and U.S. culture. Ask questions to help you understand one another better and take time to listen. Your own culture experience is one of many complex experiences. Taking the time to learn about these experiences will help you enhance your understanding not only of others, but also of yourself. You do not need to agree with another person’s opinion or point of view, but being involved with others creates respect, and seeing the world through different cultures can help you learn about your own in a different way. It is our hope that your stay in the United States is meaningful and life-changing.

 

Keeping in Touch

The return home will be one of happiness, but also means saying goodbye to your new friends and hosts. By keeping in touch after you leave, you will discover many hosts will enjoy coming to visit you someday in your home country, or meeting up with you in the future. You will feel happy to reciprocate in your home country. The connections you make during college may become some of the longest lasting and deepest of your life. It is important you keep those connections intact and make the community hosting program something you will carry into your future.

 

About the Authors

Sabrina Moss is international student advisor at Cascadia Community College in Bothell, WA. Wade Bird is admissions evaluator, Seattle University R. Michael Philson, P.., is executive director of international education at Wichita State University.

 

About NAFSA

NAFSA: Association of International Educators is the leading professional association promoting the exchange of students and scholars to and from the United States. For more information about NAFSA, visit www.nafsa.org

For additional copies of the original publication, contact NAFSA Publications at 1.866.538.1927 Editor: Lisa Schock, NAFSA Design and Production: Drew Banks, NAFSA Copyright 2006 by NAFSA: Association of International Educators Washington, DC.

All rights reserved. NAFSA: Association of International Educators 1307 New York Avenue, NW Eighth Floor Washington, DC 20005-4701 USA

*Note: While “United States” can easily be used to identify the United States of America, we still have not come up with an appropriate term to indicate residents/citizens of the United States. Because there is no one term that adequately conveys this concept, we use “Americans” throughout this text to refer to individuals who are natives or residents of the United States of America.